I was sitting on the couch the other day watching The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien when my phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize, so I didn’t pick up. I silenced the ring and went back to laughing at Conan. “You should get that, it’s a New York number,” said Moy, “It might be important. It might be someone calling to offer you a job.” Then they’ll leave a message, right? They didn’t leave a message and I didn’t call them back.

I’m weird when it comes to the phone, I know this, but I need you to know this too, which is why I’m putting this out there in the universe so you can respect and understand me for who I am when it comes to the phone.

  1. I don’t like talking on the phone. I used to think I had some strange phobia, but I’ve come to accept the fact that I just hate to do it. This aversion stems from my childhood when my mother would force me to talk on the phone without telling me who I was talking to. Seems silly, but one too many awkward phone conversations with nothing to say to relatives I didn’t remember has turned me off to talking on the phone with people in general.
  2. If a number but not a name appears on my screen, I won’t pick up. I promise. If you meant to call me but you neglected to leave a message, I won’t call you back. I promise.
  3. I’ll listen to your message if you leave one, but I probably won’t call you back. I honestly don’t know why. Yes, I know how pathetic that is, but it’s true.
  4. If you call me AND the planets align AND karma’s on your side AND a name appears on my screen AND I pick up, I will subconsciously find a reason to get off the phone as quickly as possible. Please believe me it has nothing to do with you. It all stems back to those terrible childhood phone calls.
  5. I won’t call you. I’m embarrassed to say that, but it’s true. It’s everything I can do to stay in touch with my family, and I drop that ball week after week after week.

So what do you do? How can we stay in touch with each other? Simple. Text me. I don’t miss texts the way I miss voicemail. My phone programmed to chime every five minutes when I receive a text. It also displays the text on the screen when I wake it up and automatically directs me to the text when I unlock it. My phone is always nearby and I have no qualms whatsoever with texting. I can also say with full confidence that, unless my phone or the network botches up, I will text you back.

I know this isn’t perfect but this is how I operate. I am trying to be better about remembering to check voicemail and making regular phone calls, but until I get there, text me. Or Facebook me. Or hit me up on Twitter. Or send me a link to your blog.